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January 23rd, 2008
01:44 am - sound
Well, it has taken 8 months, but it appears that I have finally, finally found a sound. Not my voice like I was looking for before - that is too complex too just find. Your musical voice is something that is constantly changing and evolving, and is flexible enough to change with whatever color you might choose to represent... which coincidentally, also defines your voice - what colors you paint your sound with. Now the sound, however, is the gold at the end of this rainbow.
After a very difficult break including not practicing and working too much, getting back to the cello has not happened how I wanted it too. This week I'm actually going downtown to see a Performing Arts doctor-specialist about my back and everything in general. It's time to get down to business, and find out if this is permanent damage, merely a lack of core strength, or both.
Back to sound - while I have been having these difficulties of getting back to the cello, it has involved a lot of self-examination of what I am doing playing the cello, and my commitment to it. Which is also why I am going to see a doctor - it is time to set everything straight and give myself a chance at this. If I keep having things like difficult food allergies and back pain weighing me down, I'm not really giving this a go, am I? Not when I can sort these issues out. After the lecture lesson that inspired all of these, I had a very good lesson the following week - yesterday.
Balderston had been pushing sound the whole lesson - ignoring my intonation and accuracy problems, really - which is smart considering I am obviously not back up to speed on all of that just quite yet. Finally, after playing some Haydn D for him, and him continuing to work with me, it happened. I always feel like I truly am trying what he is telling me - that I am actively giving these ideas a go. But this was the first time I heard such an incredibly radical difference. It was so startling, that I was left thinking how on earth was I settling for such a crap sound before?! Honestly. The comparison is ridiculous - it's like comparing meat-loaf to filet mignon. Sure, you might like meat-loaf, and think it's pretty good - but once you've had filet mignon, you sure as hell know better.
And let me tell you - filet mignon sound is just addictive, and intoxicating. It just makes you feel incredible to produce this glorious sound. I can't help but also think of the word powerful - you feel powerful to achieve such a sound.
Now when I made this sound, I knew - this was what I had been looking for. I've been looking for something - trying to do something with the cello, but I had lately just been pretty lost. I might have created a tone similar to this in the past, but I promise you - it was an accident, and a fluke. I think I now understand how and why this sound is created, and what it feels like to actually produce it.
Armed with this sound, I don't know what's going to happen - just that it's going to be great. In my lecture-lesson, Balderston said something that really encouraged me when I was trying to explain what I thought I wanted to do with the cello - he said I didn't really know what I was capable of yet. It threw me aback, but he was right. I have no understanding of where I could go - I may think I'm destined to be in an orchestra somewhere, but who is to say I won't be a soloist? There is nothing that says I can't.
With this sound, anything goes.
In other news, in the past 8 months I've held a steady job at Eddie Bauer (full time in the summer - yuck), moved into an apartment in Chicago with a fellow music student, decorated said apartment just to my taste I didn't even know I had, started my sophomore year of college, had a relationship with a violinist 9 years older than me from Monaco, ended a relationship with said man, learned a lot about life, and also realized I have so much more to learn. You really can't know where you are going to go in life - or control it, for that matter. It's time for me to set myself into this cello-thing, and wait to see where the ride will take me.
I might even like it. :)
-l
Current Mood: empowered
Current Music: String Quartet No.2 in D: 2. Scherzo - Borodin
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May 17th, 2007
02:32 am - my voice.
Where is my voice?
Music has become questions to me- courtesy of Balderston, I assure you. I have always played the cello, and mostly because I did it well. It's been what I do - I tried tap, ballet, soccer, math olympiad - but cello was the only thing that stuck. The only reason I can see why, is because I was decent at it. Maybe there was some secret higher calling, but I'm sure my 10 year old self couldn't have seen it at the time.
So now, here I am. Eighteen, almost nine years of playing cello, and I only now feel I am beginning to play music. I never thought about what it all meant - music, being a musician. It is not just playing in an orchestra. Getting the job, playing it the best. Besides, the best is subjective, anyways!
Being an artist - expressing myself. I find myself at the point where I want to- I have things I want to show, to express, to share - and I don't know how. I've been feeling it inside, thinking it all as I play the cello.
It's time for me to create music.
Again I ask, where is my voice? Is it an impassioned, frantic voice, or a lamenting, willowy cry? I suppose I should be able to change to what I need, but now I understand the need to have your voice. I've never liked my own voice, so now I'll make one I like through the cello.
I want to be a musician, not a cellist.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/thoughtful.gif) thoughtful
Current Music: String Quartet No. 15 in A Minor, Op. 132: III. Canzona di Ringraziamento offerta alla Divinità da u
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May 14th, 2007
02:59 am - AGAIN!
What is it with my roommmate(S!) and them bringing home men?! I mean, come on! Would you, any of you, bring home someone your roommate has never met, and just let them stay there WITHOUT ANY WARNING? Oh, and I think I forgot to mention.... THEY'RE SHARING HER BED.
ABOVE MINE.
Of course, I too much of a cowardly... er, nice person to wake them up or tell her I want HIM out! Then again, I came home around 6:00 after leaving at 4:30. I assumed they would wake up before now... as in, before I wanted to sleep! Now I'm coming up with crap to do to avoid sleep. I'm going to have an EXTREMELY difficult day tomorrow, because of them. Yes, because of my problems of confrontation, but really, there shouldn't be someone here IN THE FIRST PLACE.
And did I mention, HE SMELLS? His clothes (his wool coat for the obviously frigid 70 degree weather we've been sporting, and his shoes and white socks with dark black bottoms) REAK like he hasn't showered for at least weeks. I'm afraid to go into the bedroom and find out how THAT smells.
AUGH. I FEEL LIKE GOING IN THERE AND SCREAMING.
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/angry.gif) pissed off
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April 16th, 2007
07:09 am - mmm mmm mmmmm, good.
Thursday: Miraculously find apartment 2 blocks away from campus, 20 minutes after posted to craigslist. View apartment.
Friday: Roommate sees apartment. Put 1st month rent down on spot.
Saturday: Sign 12 month lease, beginning June 1st.
I AM INVINCIBLE! :D Who has an apartment? I have an apartment.
Sunday: Balderston sends me e-mail saying ARIA is accepting more cellists on spot. Am I interested?
GAH TOO LATE.
Who cares... I am staying in Chicago this summer. LIVE IT UP. :D
-l
Current Mood: victorious
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April 5th, 2007
01:20 am - I'm not handling this evening very well.
I'm not going anywhere this summer.
I know I shouldn't feel like I've failed - I mean, I really should have seen this coming with the year I've had. Maybe if I'd been honest with myself, I would have dealt with this better, and not expected so much - too much.
But damnit, I wanted to do something!
I deserve to do something, and I know it - I just can't prove it right now, because everything is still messed up. As much as I want to pretend everything is back to normal and I'm doing FANTASTIC, but it's still trying to find the groove. And really, when is life NOT trying to find that groove? Will the groove ever be found?!
I guess now I'm going to make money this summer... or something.
If everything is okay and has a reason, then why do I feel like crying?
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/sad.gif) crushed
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March 29th, 2007
02:07 am - grumble.
It only took until 1:55 am on the second day of classes, but I think I finally have my schedule worked out. As in, I decided not to slack off and I finally found more courses to take. :p
M
8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
~
3:30-5:30 DPSO
Tu
10:30 Group Piano III
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3:30-5:30 Cello Studio
W
8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
~
3:30-5:30 DPSO
6:00-8:00 Music Business from the Performer's Perspective
(MOST USEFUL CLASS, EVER.)
Th
10:30 Group Piano III
~
1:00 Lesson
~
5:45-9:00 Growing up Female in America
F
8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
10:50 Musicianship III "extra session"
12:15-2:20 Chamber Class (starting later in the quarter)
3:30-5:30 DPSO
Yet to be scheduled: Quartet rehearsals (approx. 2-4 hours) and weekly 1 hr coachings.
= 18 credits. WHAT POSSESSED ME TO ADD SIX CREDITS LAST MINUTE?
Oh what the hell. I'll be glad later.
I hope. :S
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/energetic.gif) bouncy
Current Music: blah blah blah blah WTF AM I DOING? blah blah.
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March 28th, 2007
02:24 am - spring quarter a cometh
Back in Chicago. Classes start tomorrow.
Rehearsal on all movements of Bartok Concerto for Orchestra, tomorrow. Without a sectional.
The orchestra is officially fucked.
All I can think about are those last two pages. Those pages are hell-sent.
BUT I AM SO EXCITED! :D
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/scared.gif) anxious
Current Music: Quartet No. 9 in E flat major op. 117 (1964) III. Allegretto - attacca: - Emerson String Quartet
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March 19th, 2007
06:12 pm - home again, home again.
I'm home!
I'm sick!
UGH.
-l
Current Mood: sick
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March 15th, 2007
09:07 pm - there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! well, I'll be dammed.
Only juries to go. THANK YOU ALL THAT IS GOOD AND PURPLE.
What? I like purple.
-l
Current Mood: accomplished
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March 12th, 2007
03:17 am - fuck texas.
Oh, and uh, by the way...
I now want to go to ZEPHYR this summer. Fuck Texas - this is way, way better.
International travel. Drool.
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/happy.gif) hopeful
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03:01 am - so done "with that shit" and "all that jazz," "fo-shizzle"
I'm officially DONE D-D-DONE DONE DONE DONE with Chamber Orchestra.
THANK YOU ALL THAT IS WONDERFUL AND GOOD.
Next stop? Orchestral Hall, May 29th. MMM BABY.
Oh, and that pesky joint recital I'm planning. Franck and Menotti, anyone?
Finals and I'm THROUGH. Which means aural performance exam (yikes), musicianship final (since when where there all these things I didn't know?!), last lesson (oi vey...), piano x2 (whatever. so problem), and TECH JURIES (AHHHHHHH FUCK).
YAY.
EXTREME SARCASSSSM.
Let us just say, I will be relaxing very hard after juries on Friday. YES! HERE'S TO OCCASIONALLY ACTING MY AGE!
-l
Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: silence, for once.
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March 9th, 2007
12:46 am - patches also = not infalliable
After said proclaiming of Patches to be a demigod amongst cellos (okay, so I'm exaggerating... a bit) I found a huge-ass, meaning 5" long, open seam on the back of the left shoulder. Great. You know what this means?
I get to ride a bus/train/cab for an hour and a half to Skokie! Yes, it is as exciting as the name sounds. Yay.
Stupid Chicago weather. :( I've had Patches for over 3 years now, and never had a problem like this... until I came here. OI.
My question is: did it open before, or after the cello taste test? We'll never know.
Oh, and trying to sign up for a class after the rest of the university has picked them clean? NOT GOOD. I will never again take the music major status for advantage ever again.
Bartók string quartets are pretty much ridiculously amazing. How did it take me so long to find them?
For all who care, I'm back in the Seattle area either the 19th or 20th. Evergreen-ers, expect a takeover soon thereafter. Though for now, I am really needing it to be the 17th. Then I will be FREE! FREE!
..until the 28th. Fuck.
-l
Current Mood: annoyed
Current Music: String Quartet No. 4, Sz. 91: I. Allegro - Emerson String Quartet
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March 6th, 2007
06:04 pm - patches vs. strad = PATCHES?!
DEAR DIARY:
TODAY I PLAYED A STRADAVARIUS CELLO. AND THEN I TRIED A CRANCHINI. BUT, EVERYONE LIKED MINE BETTER.
WTF?!
Somedays, I love this life.
<3 from chicago
Current Mood: crazy
Current Music: String Quartet No. 6, Sz. 114: III. Mesto - Burletta (Moderato) - Emerson String Quartet
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March 4th, 2007
10:25 pm - genetically defunct predestined string intrumentalist
Have I mentioned how good it is for me to NOT be a wind player? With all the stupid sickness I encounter every year, I could never function. Right now the lovely sinus infection just I have would just mean POUNDING PAIN if I played, say, the oboe.
It is destiny. I WAS MEANT TO BE A STRING PLAYER!
That, or I'm genetically defunct. ... I pick super-cool predestined life.
-l
Current Mood: funky
Current Music: Pulcinella (Concert Suite): VIII(B). Finale - Academy of St. Martin in the Fields & Sir Neville Marr
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04:28 am - vlogging
I think I'm going to start vlogging - or video blogging for all of you small-town, or just plain lazy people. I'm not sure what the appeal is, but I'm interested now. Only problem?
What the hell am I going to talk about?
Open to suggestions. How to be entertaining... or how to keep in touch.
-l
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/opiummmm/foxies/confused.gif) curious
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February 7th, 2007
12:51 pm - can't I just live on my own already?
What on earth are you supposed to do, when your roommate is smoking... INSIDE your dorm? I mean, for goodness sake, can you be any more inconsiderate?! Putting hot dogs and miscellaneous foods in the microwave with NO plate or anything - whatever, I suppose. Just disgusting. But smoking? I'M ASTHMATIC, IDIOT.
AUGHH.
I'd take a deep breath to calm down, but I'd probably HACK AND WEEZE.
-l
Current Mood: angry
Current Music: Symphony No. 8 in F, Op. 93: I. Allegro vivace e con brio - Berliner Philharmoniker & Herbert von Ka
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February 6th, 2007
01:28 am - a clean dorm (on my part, at least) is a happy dorm
IT IS GOING TO BE ABOVE FREEZING TOMORROW!
REJOICE!
Memo to all: Chicago is FUCKING COLD.
Maybe I'll update sometime. It's all audition stress and back pain, as per usual, but it might be interesting for some. I'm debating getting into the vblog scene... we shall see. :)
<3 all,
-l
Current Mood: CLEAN DORM. YES.
Current Music: Romeo and Juliet: Overture Fantasy - Tchaikovsky
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January 15th, 2007
06:41 pm - tee hee!
In 2007,  cello_unbound resolves to... Go to the charles ives every month. Go writing three times a week. Admit my true feelings to internaldiscord. Connect with my inner contrabassoon. Give up faux-calculusing. Overcome my secret fear of sonatas.
Current Mood: SNOW! Finally.
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December 14th, 2006
01:57 am - you have to love me one third more, now
I've learnt that I am a very secretive person, when I want to be.
For the past two years, I have been extremely reluctant to tell anyone, no matter how close they are to me, that my brother is fighting leukemia. That my family is trudging along by its seams. That I am falling apart. I thought I got over it, when I told a few close friends. However, things got better and the years went on.
September - enter college, and a new set of faces. People I don't know I can trust, and simply do not know. I am hate to burden people with this problem - why should they pity me? I've said it a million times, and meant it more each reiteration. So, even though it was extremely hard for me, isolating myself from everyone, and keeping my friends at a distance (even if they couldn't tell), and kept it up. I only told one person towards the end of term, and that was to keep my sanity. I was too close to screaming it from the window of my dorm.
When I got home, things were so much worse than my parents ever let on - and they did it on purpose. Just as I wanted to protect my new friends, my parents wanted to protect me. It must run in the family, I swear. It was so hard to come straight from the airport, from my little Chicago music world bubble, into an ICU room with my brother, my oldest, protective, strong-minded brother, struggling for his every breath. So hard, so intense, it scared me away from the hospital for a long time. It was not until he started to show signs of improvement until I came back. Mom encouraged me to bring a quartet to the ward, and play for him - but scheduling was never my friend.
After a series of ups and intense downs, including his best friend flying in from Australia, and numerous family members flying in in a matter of hours, things were starting to look good.
And then Tuesday came.
I have been working at Eddie Bauer for about two weeks now, and was on an 8 1/2 hour shift when my mother called. I had told one manager about the situation previously, and she was very kind. I rushed out of there so fast, but convinced myself that I was calm. When I get to the hospital, I get it all. There is nothing left - a virus is in his blood, despite the ridiculous number of drugs he was on - but to give him a dignified end. On Tuesday evening, I stayed in the room, and watched my brother die. My brother is dead. I only have one brother. I am one of two, not three. My parents have lost their oldest son.
"You have to love me one third more, now."
My biggest regret, is that I never played for him. Never.
-elisabeth
Current Mood: numb
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December 11th, 2006
11:45 pm - pachabel canon rant
OH MAN. If you have EVER had to endure Pachabel's Canon, let alone be a CELLIST forced to inevitably play it, please, please please watch this. It is simply PERFECT.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdxkVQy7QLM
That man is a genius.
-l
Current Mood: laughing my ass off
Current Music: Rob P
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