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January 23rd, 2008

01:44 am - sound
Well, it has taken 8 months, but it appears that I have finally, finally found a sound. Not my voice like I was looking for before - that is too complex too just find. Your musical voice is something that is constantly changing and evolving, and is flexible enough to change with whatever color you might choose to represent... which coincidentally, also defines your voice - what colors you paint your sound with. Now the sound, however, is the gold at the end of this rainbow.

After a very difficult break including not practicing and working too much, getting back to the cello has not happened how I wanted it too. This week I'm actually going downtown to see a Performing Arts doctor-specialist about my back and everything in general. It's time to get down to business, and find out if this is permanent damage, merely a lack of core strength, or both.

Back to sound - while I have been having these difficulties of getting back to the cello, it has involved a lot of self-examination of what I am doing playing the cello, and my commitment to it. Which is also why I am going to see a doctor - it is time to set everything straight and give myself a chance at this. If I keep having things like difficult food allergies and back pain weighing me down, I'm not really giving this a go, am I? Not when I can sort these issues out. After the lecture lesson that inspired all of these, I had a very good lesson the following week - yesterday.

Balderston had been pushing sound the whole lesson - ignoring my intonation and accuracy problems, really - which is smart considering I am obviously not back up to speed on all of that just quite yet. Finally, after playing some Haydn D for him, and him continuing to work with me, it happened. I always feel like I truly am trying what he is telling me - that I am actively giving these ideas a go. But this was the first time I heard such an incredibly radical difference. It was so startling, that I was left thinking how on earth was I settling for such a crap sound before?! Honestly. The comparison is ridiculous - it's like comparing meat-loaf to filet mignon. Sure, you might like meat-loaf, and think it's pretty good - but once you've had filet mignon, you sure as hell know better.

And let me tell you - filet mignon sound is just addictive, and intoxicating. It just makes you feel incredible to produce this glorious sound. I can't help but also think of the word powerful - you feel powerful to achieve such a sound.

Now when I made this sound, I knew - this was what I had been looking for. I've been looking for something - trying to do something with the cello, but I had lately just been pretty lost. I might have created a tone similar to this in the past, but I promise you - it was an accident, and a fluke. I think I now understand how and why this sound is created, and what it feels like to actually produce it.

Armed with this sound, I don't know what's going to happen - just that it's going to be great. In my lecture-lesson, Balderston said something that really encouraged me when I was trying to explain what I thought I wanted to do with the cello - he said I didn't really know what I was capable of yet. It threw me aback, but he was right. I have no understanding of where I could go - I may think I'm destined to be in an orchestra somewhere, but who is to say I won't be a soloist? There is nothing that says I can't.

With this sound, anything goes.

In other news, in the past 8 months I've held a steady job at Eddie Bauer (full time in the summer - yuck), moved into an apartment in Chicago with a fellow music student, decorated said apartment just to my taste I didn't even know I had, started my sophomore year of college, had a relationship with a violinist 9 years older than me from Monaco, ended a relationship with said man, learned a lot about life, and also realized I have so much more to learn. You really can't know where you are going to go in life - or control it, for that matter. It's time for me to set myself into this cello-thing, and wait to see where the ride will take me.

I might even like it. :)

Current Mood: empowered
Current Music: String Quartet No.2 in D: 2. Scherzo - Borodin

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May 17th, 2007

02:32 am - my voice.
Where is my voice?

Music has become questions to me- courtesy of Balderston, I assure you. I have always played the cello, and mostly because I did it well. It's been what I do - I tried tap, ballet, soccer, math olympiad - but cello was the only thing that stuck. The only reason I can see why, is because I was decent at it. Maybe there was some secret higher calling, but I'm sure my 10 year old self couldn't have seen it at the time.

So now, here I am. Eighteen, almost nine years of playing cello, and I only now feel I am beginning to play music. I never thought about what it all meant - music, being a musician. It is not just playing in an orchestra. Getting the job, playing it the best. Besides, the best is subjective, anyways!

Being an artist - expressing myself. I find myself at the point where I want to- I have things I want to show, to express, to share - and I don't know how. I've been feeling it inside, thinking it all as I play the cello.

It's time for me to create music.

Again I ask, where is my voice? Is it an impassioned, frantic voice, or a lamenting, willowy cry? I suppose I should be able to change to what I need, but now I understand the need to have your voice. I've never liked my own voice, so now I'll make one I like through the cello.

I want to be a musician, not a cellist.
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: String Quartet No. 15 in A Minor, Op. 132: III. Canzona di Ringraziamento offerta alla Divinità da u

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May 14th, 2007

02:59 am - AGAIN!
What is it with my roommmate(S!) and them bringing home men?! I mean, come on! Would you, any of you, bring home someone your roommate has never met, and just let them stay there WITHOUT ANY WARNING? Oh, and I think I forgot to mention.... THEY'RE SHARING HER BED.


Of course, I too much of a cowardly... er, nice person to wake them up or tell her I want HIM out! Then again, I came home around 6:00 after leaving at 4:30. I assumed they would wake up before now... as in, before I wanted to sleep! Now I'm coming up with crap to do to avoid sleep. I'm going to have an EXTREMELY difficult day tomorrow, because of them. Yes, because of my problems of confrontation, but really, there shouldn't be someone here IN THE FIRST PLACE.

And did I mention, HE SMELLS? His clothes (his wool coat for the obviously frigid 70 degree weather we've been sporting, and his shoes and white socks with dark black bottoms) REAK like he hasn't showered for at least weeks. I'm afraid to go into the bedroom and find out how THAT smells.


Current Mood: pissed offpissed off

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April 16th, 2007

07:09 am - mmm mmm mmmmm, good.
Thursday: Miraculously find apartment 2 blocks away from campus, 20 minutes after posted to craigslist. View apartment.

Friday: Roommate sees apartment. Put 1st month rent down on spot.

Saturday: Sign 12 month lease, beginning June 1st.

I AM INVINCIBLE! :D Who has an apartment? I have an apartment.

Sunday: Balderston sends me e-mail saying ARIA is accepting more cellists on spot. Am I interested?


Who cares... I am staying in Chicago this summer. LIVE IT UP. :D

Current Mood: victorious

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April 5th, 2007

01:20 am - I'm not handling this evening very well.
I'm not going anywhere this summer.

I know I shouldn't feel like I've failed - I mean, I really should have seen this coming with the year I've had. Maybe if I'd been honest with myself, I would have dealt with this better, and not expected so much - too much.

But damnit, I wanted to do something!

I deserve to do something, and I know it - I just can't prove it right now, because everything is still messed up. As much as I want to pretend everything is back to normal and I'm doing FANTASTIC, but it's still trying to find the groove. And really, when is life NOT trying to find that groove? Will the groove ever be found?!

I guess now I'm going to make money this summer... or something.

If everything is okay and has a reason, then why do I feel like crying?

Current Mood: crushedcrushed

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March 29th, 2007

02:07 am - grumble.
It only took until 1:55 am on the second day of classes, but I think I finally have my schedule worked out. As in, I decided not to slack off and I finally found more courses to take. :p

8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
3:30-5:30 DPSO

10:30 Group Piano III
3:30-5:30 Cello Studio

8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
3:30-5:30 DPSO
6:00-8:00 Music Business from the Performer's Perspective

10:30 Group Piano III
1:00 Lesson
5:45-9:00 Growing up Female in America

8:30 Musicianship III
9:40 Aural Training III
10:50 Musicianship III "extra session"
12:15-2:20 Chamber Class (starting later in the quarter)
3:30-5:30 DPSO

Yet to be scheduled: Quartet rehearsals (approx. 2-4 hours) and weekly 1 hr coachings.


Oh what the hell. I'll be glad later.

I hope. :S

Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Current Music: blah blah blah blah WTF AM I DOING? blah blah.

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March 28th, 2007

02:24 am - spring quarter a cometh
Back in Chicago. Classes start tomorrow.

Rehearsal on all movements of Bartok Concerto for Orchestra, tomorrow. Without a sectional.

The orchestra is officially fucked.

All I can think about are those last two pages. Those pages are hell-sent.


Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Quartet No. 9 in E flat major op. 117 (1964) III. Allegretto - attacca: - Emerson String Quartet

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March 19th, 2007

06:12 pm - home again, home again.
I'm home!

I'm sick!


Current Mood: sicksick

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March 15th, 2007

09:07 pm - there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! well, I'll be dammed.

What? I like purple.

Current Mood: accomplished
Tags: ,

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March 12th, 2007

03:17 am - fuck texas.
Oh, and uh, by the way...

I now want to go to ZEPHYR this summer. Fuck Texas - this is way, way better.

International travel. Drool.

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Tags: ,

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